![\"How](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/How-to-have-difficult-conversations-with-employees-cover-1024x512.png\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nWhat is a difficult conversation with an employee, according to experts?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
To help the readers better understand what a difficult conversation might entail, I\u2019ve reached out to a few leadership experts and psychologists and picked their brains on the topic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s what they said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Difficult conversations are hard for both the employee and the manager <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Difficult conversations are often difficult for both the employee and the manager leading the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s what Bill Catlette<\/a>, an executive coach and partner at Contented Cow Partners said when I reached out to him to discuss the concept of a difficult conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He explained that several factors can make a conversation difficult: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe difficulty associated with some bit of negative news is often enhanced by the fact that it is being delivered later than it should, by surprise, and by an individual who is ill-prepared to do so.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n Discuss, share & collaborate with Pumble, a team communication app.<\/p>\n\n According to Sandra O\u2019Shea<\/a>, a Chartered MCIPD and HR & OD Consultant at SOS HR Consultancy & Coaching, difficult conversations can be uncharted territory for managers: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cA difficult conversation is where the main topic is likely to be sensitive, possibly contentious, and may potentially result in serious consequences. It can be a step into the unknown, even when you carefully prepare for the conversation, as you don\u2019t know how the other person might react.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n However, she also believes these talks are an integral part of being a leader:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt means that there is an issue that is having an impact and that needs to be explored, discussed, and addressed with the employee as a way of facilitating forward movement. It also means that you are leaning into your responsibilities as a leader\/line manager and taking proactive actions for an open, honest, and supportive working environment.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n In line with Catlette\u2019s remarks, William Ratliff<\/a>, a Senior Career Services Manager at Employment BOOST, says the following about difficult conversations: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGenerally, there\u2019s a sense that the topic of the conversation may hurt one or more parties. In a professional setting, this can be a discussion about poor performance, personal issues that have affected productivity, or HR issues.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n Moreover, Ratliff explains why every<\/em> difficult conversation is a challenging<\/em> one, too: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhether in the workplace or at home, what makes difficult conversations challenging is that they have to happen and they are likely to sting.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n Ultimately, for Lorena P\u00e9rez<\/a>, Chief People Officer at Novakid, having a difficult conversation represents a step outside of our comfort zones: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHaving a difficult conversation is when the topic or the news we need to share is not going to be easy to discuss and we move out of our comfort zone.\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n Stepping outside one\u2019s comfort zone isn\u2019t an easy task. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, to help managers prepare better to navigate a difficult conversation, we\u2019ll now move on to account for its elements<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Simplify your work with Pumble by CAKE.com \u2014 the all-in-one communication app.<\/p>\n\n In their book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most<\/em><\/a>, Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, and Sheila Heen wrote that there are three deeper conversations that underline every difficult conversation: <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to the authors, the key to having meaningful conversations is to recognize these deeper conversations and try to turn them into opportunities for learning and growth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to this, we can also identify 4 common elements of difficult conversations:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s examine each element a bit further. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udca1 Pumble Pro Tip<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to having to handle difficult conversations at work, sometimes you\u2019ll have to deal with difficult people, too. Learn how to do it effectively: <\/p>\n\n\n\n If two parties are involved in a difficult conversation, they will probably have two different perceptions<\/em> of the same problem or situation<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In plain English \u2014 both sides probably think they\u2019re right and neither sees themselves as the problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This usually happens because we have: <\/p>\n\n\n\n A difficult conversation can be even more difficult<\/em> to handle if neither side is willing to compromise to find a common ground or reach a common goal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When we find ourselves trapped in a difficult conversation, we often assume we know the other person\u2019s intentions. However, that\u2019s far from the truth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n What we tend to overlook is that intentions are a concept <\/em>that exists only in someone\u2019s mind or heart \u2014 and unless they share them with us, we can\u2019t know what they are for sure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if we feel hurt<\/em><\/strong> <\/strong>by the other person, we automatically assume they intended<\/em><\/strong> to hurt us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, what actually happened here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ve concluded that the person wanted to hurt us based on our assumptions of what their intentions might be<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We haven\u2019t openly asked them what their intentions were. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, we may have assumed the wrong thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Oftentimes, we engage in situations emotionally \u2014 which can affect our ability to think straight, solve problems, and communicate effectively<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Communicate effectively with your coworkers on Pumble<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n When we\u2019re upset or impatient, our thinking and listening skills are clouded by negative emotions \u2014 and we find it hard to actively listen to what the other person is saying and see things from their perspective. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Approaching a situation emotionally charged can:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udca1 Pumble Pro Tip<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n When we communicate with others and want to evoke a certain response from the other person, we can use emotive language. Learn more about what emotive language is and how you can use it properly in a workplace setting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Blaming others is one of the many defense mechanisms<\/a> humans recur to in conflicting situations. Those who rely on blame in difficult conversations are usually guided by questions such as: <\/p>\n\n\n\n But when we\u2019re blaming the other person, we find it harder to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Knowing the elements of difficult conversations is of utmost importance for all of you who are trying to be good communicators<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, that\u2019s not all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You should also be familiar with the 4 D\u2019s of difficult conversations. Let\u2019s explore them, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n More often than not, managers and team leads aren\u2019t trained (enough) to handle difficult conversations with their employees. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In one Poynter article<\/a>, the head of the leadership and management faculty of the Poynter Institute, Jill Geisler<\/a>, wrote about the 4 D\u2019s that can derail a difficult conversation<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n These are: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how they can derail an already difficult conversation and what you can do to deal with each D of your difficult conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The other person might reject the message you\u2019re trying to convey. They might also claim that what you\u2019re saying isn\u2019t true and then completely shut down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udd38 Tips for dealing with denial<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n To be able to better deal with denial, you should aim for specific and thorough preparation. Remember what your goals are: <\/p>\n\n\n\n The other person might recur to changing the subject very quickly in an attempt to divert you from carrying out the conversation until the end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udd38 Tips for dealing with deflection<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s important that you don\u2019t let them steer the conversation in the direction they want to. You should stay focused on:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Secure and reliable team communication app for professionals. Try Pumble by CAKE.com.<\/p>\n\n The other person might try to disrupt the conversation by: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udd38 Tips for dealing with disruption<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n When dealing with disruption, it\u2019s essential that you:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The other person might try to criticize you and put the blame on you or the organization. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udd38 Tips for dealing with dumping on the boss<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you ever experience this, you should remember that this is just another defense mechanism. People tend to blame others when they think they are being criticized or attacked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of jumping in on their train, try to distance yourself from the emotions<\/a> and focus on steering the conversation back in the initial direction. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that we\u2019ve outlined the important elements of difficult conversations and examined the four D\u2019s that can make them even more difficult, it\u2019s time to take a look at some examples and learn why we sometimes have to engage in difficult conversations with our employees. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Catlette, the manager can have a wide range of reasons to engage in a difficult conversation with an employee: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI need you to change jobs, to work late today, to work alongside someone you don’t like, your work performance is unsatisfactory, you did not get the promotion you were seeking, or, gulp, today is your last day here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Shea admits that she\u2019s had her share of difficult conversations around a wide range of issues, too. These include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n The reasons for having a difficult conversation can be different and there are many of them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But what if you decide to not have a difficult conversation with your worker? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Are you aware of the consequences that avoiding difficult conversations can produce? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s see how detrimental this can be for you and your employees. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Avoiding hard conversations with employees can have undesirable, long-term consequences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s what our contributors think about this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n From O\u2019Shea\u2019s point of view, avoiding a hard discussion isn\u2019t fair and can be interpreted as sweeping problems under the carpet: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAvoiding having a difficult conversation is unfair to all those impacted by the issue and misleading to the employee who may think that there isn\u2019t a problem. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n In cases of inappropriate behavior, it may be completely misinterpreted as being OK if left unchallenged. If left, the issue will likely get worse and can impact team morale, interpersonal relationships, well-being, productivity, company reputation, and culture. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Although these conversations are difficult, procrastination is not the answer. In my view, it is important to work toward a psychologically safe workplace and healthy culture.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n In harmony with O\u2019Shea, P\u00e9rez adds: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhen expectations are not aligned, it causes frustration and friction, which impacts employees\u2019 work output, performance, and collaboration with others.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n In addition to the consequences outlined above, avoiding tough conversations can also result in:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Knowing what can happen if you avoid going through tough conversations can be extremely helpful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Yet, Catlette believes that strong leaders are defined by their courage to go through a difficult conversation until the end: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSenior leaders must take into account the fact that having conversations of this sort is a regular and necessary part of any leader’s job, by virtue of which, having the requisite courage to do so is a vital qualification for anyone being considered for a leadership role. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I would go further and suggest that, while things like communication, presentation skills, or executive presence can be taught, courage cannot. It’s \u2018factory-installed.\u2019\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n Strengthen your business communication and collaboration process with Pumble by CAKE.com.<\/p>\n\n In addition to having the courage to go through a serious and unpleasant conversation, you should also know how to structure your conversations to make sure you carry them out successfully. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s go over the steps you should implement to conduct a difficult conversation effectively. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Before you engage in a conversation with your employee, you should know how to structure it properly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to O\u2019Shea, \u201cpreparing for the conversation and thinking about how you might structure it is a key component.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are the steps that she usually takes as part of her preparation for such a meeting\/conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow will I define the issue and how does it manifest in the workplace (giving examples where appropriate)?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n What policies does the company have in place that I or the employee might need to refer to?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n What am I feeling about this? \u2014 Checking in with my own emotions, assumptions, values, and beliefs making sure they are not getting in the way.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Creating a space that allows me to share what the issue is from my perspective and then hold space while the employee digests the information and responds to it \u2014 taking great care to handle their reactions carefully.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Listening carefully to the employee’s response and avoiding getting drawn into differences of opinions \u2014 remaining focused on the issue and not personalizing it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Staying alert for the \u2018nuggets\u2019 that will aid forward movement.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Remaining authentic, compassionate, and professionally appropriate.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Depending on the issue, there may be some actions that can be agreed upon and supported. However, occasionally there may be more serious consequences that follow \u2014 like dismissal, suspension, risk of redundancy, or formal proceedings.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n As you can see, there\u2019s a lot to account for before engaging in a difficult discussion with an employee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to this, Catlette shared what he believes would help individuals leading such conversations generally have a better time of it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBe thoughtful as to the time and place of the conversation. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"Bill](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Bill-Catlette-a-Partner-at-Contented-Cow-Partners.jpeg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
![\"Illustration\"](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/themes\/cake-blog\/theme\/images\/banners\/landing-4@2x.png)
\n <\/picture>\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n \n\n\n\nDifficult conversations can be a step into the unknown<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"Sandra](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/Sandra-OShea-a-Chartered-MCIPD-and-HR-OD-Consultant-at-SOS-HR-Consultancy-Coaching.jpeg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
Difficult conversations are defined by the negative feelings they might evoke <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"William](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/William-Ratliff-a-senior-career-services-manager-at-Employment-BOOST.png\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
Difficult conversations are a step outside your comfort zone <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"Lorena](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/Lorena-Perez-Chief-People-Officer-at-Novakid-1-1-min.png\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
![\"Illustration\"](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/themes\/cake-blog\/theme\/images\/banners\/landing-3@2x.png)
\n <\/picture>\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n \n\n\n\nWhat are the elements of a difficult conversation? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
\n
Element #1: Differing perceptions <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n
Element #2: Assumptions about intent <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Element #3: Feelings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
Element #4: Blame <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
What are the 4 D\u2019s of difficult conversations? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
![\"The](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/The-4-Ds-of-difficult-conversations-2.png\")
D #1: Denial<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n
D #2: Deflection<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n
![\"Illustration\"](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/themes\/cake-blog\/theme\/images\/banners\/landing-2@2x.png)
\n <\/picture>\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n \n\n\n\nD #3: Disruption<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
D #4: Dumping on the boss<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Difficult conversations with an employee: Examples<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
\n
Consequences of avoiding difficult conversations with employees <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Avoiding difficult conversations is unfair to employees <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
\n
Avoiding difficult conversations isn\u2019t what true leaders do <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"Bill](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/Bill-Catlette-1.jpeg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
![\"Illustration\"](\"https:\/\/pumble.com\/blog\/wp-content\/themes\/cake-blog\/theme\/images\/banners\/landing-1@2x.png)
\n <\/picture>\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n \n\n\n\nSteps for structuring a difficult conversation with an employee<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n